Dear Miss Mannerisms: Barn snarks

Dear Miss Mannerisms:
No matter where I board there has always been barn drama! How do I handle barn snarkiness -- comments about me, or to me, or about others, that are less than tactful?"
Signed,
The high road-ster


Miss Mannerisms responds:

To board is an enriching experience in many ways--fellow boarders can be a source of friendship, support, and learning. Or, they can be something altogether different. To taste the experience of boarding barns, one need only go to the Chronicle of the Horse (COTH) bulletin board and search for "barn" and "vent" or "trainer' and "vent" or "board" and "vent." Read, and periodically take deep cleansing breaths.

Miss Mannerisms has gleaned some of her wisdom from COTH postings on this very subject. When dealing with snarks, one must resist the temptation to return fire; instead, one puts one's deflector shields UP. Grace, humor, and indulgence can defuse nearly any situation. As a dear former co-worker says, "once you show anger, they've won."

Upon hearing a "snark remark" one may use several approaches to neutralize the offender:

THE SOUTHERN BELLE

Whatever the comment, it's always proper to say, "Bless your heart!" THEY SAY: "Your horse was way overpriced." YOU RESPOND: "Bless your HEART, you're so sweet to care!"

MORAL IRONY

Similar to southern belle, but let's face it, a lot of northerners just can't pull it off. "You're so GOOD! "You're so GOOD to tell me that my horse drags his hind toes!"

THEATRIC INCREDULITY

Lean close to offender, wide-eyed, and in a stage whisper. "Did you realize you just said that out loud?"

NEXT SUBJECT!

Say nothing; wait 30 seconds; then say something pointedly unrelated, viz: "Do you think Karen O'Connor and Teddy will go to the Olympics?"

"SORRY I WASN'T LISTENING"

Ask them to repeat themselves -- it'll make'em think about what they're saying: "Excuse me? I didn't quite hear what you said. Could you please repeat it?" (Ask them to repeat it a couple times). or "Excuse me? I must have misunderstood you."

"I THINK YOU MEANT TO SAY..."

Repeat back what they say to you, paraphrasing/softening their words. THEY SAY: "Robin's new horse is a WHACK JOB!" YOU RESPOND: "So you're concerned for Robin's safety?" THEY SAY: "That judge only pinned you because he likes skinny blondes!" YOU RESPOND: "So you feel the judge favors a certain aesthetic?"

WE'RE GOOD BUDDIES AREN'T WE?

Avoid sarcasm! Must be conveyed with humor and amusement... THEY SAY: "Did you clip your horse yourself? It looks awful!" YOU RESPOND: "I'm so glad we're close enought to talk openly like this." THEY SAY: "That blanket you bought was a WASTE OF MONEY, wasn't it?" YOU RESPOND: "Don't hold back, [person's name]! Our friendship can take it!

AMBIGUOUS ADJECTIVE APPROACH

"What an extraordinary thing to say." "What a peculiar thing to say." "What an astonishing thing to say." "What an unusual thing to say."

BUT PROBABLY NOT

Pause a moment before saying, doubtfully, "You may be right."

PRESIDENTIAL POWER

For any given none-of-your-business or intrusive question, respond: "Sweetie, you can ask me anything. [Now smile broadly] But I have the power of veto."

WHAT A PIECE OF WORK

With a big smile, shaking your head, "[Person's name], you're quite a character!"